i want a toast scented candle. 

asmilinggoddess:

the year is 2014 AD. the human race has existed for over 200,000 years. men still think women pee out of the vagina.

(via enthusiastic-rim-jibber)

why do dogs have to feel pain they are too good for that shit. 

My dog is part German shepherd which as a breed it notorious for hip dysplasia (he takes medication for the pain) and his legs just gave out on him as he was walking down the stairs and now I’m crying because he’s my baby and why

if someone is vulnerable and  trusting enough to open up to you about something and you use it as ammo against them you are a dick. A DICK, I SAY. 

"chivalry isn’t dead, m’lady" he says matter-of-factly as he pulls out a condom ribbed for her pleasure. 

nosdrinker:

you’re insecure

don’t know what for

let the bodies hit the floor

(via circumcising)

customer: “are these stones real?”

me: “i don’t think—”

customer: “yep, they are.”

me: “yes, they’re real.”

customer: “wait, no. this says they’re synthetic.”

me: “actually they’re synthetic.”

breakfastburritoe:

old macdonald had a farm *bastille voice* eh oh eh oh eh eh oh eh oh

(via circumcising)

not only have i only ever cooked rice in a microwave, but i also forgo reading the directions and end up burning my hand on the rice-steam. this is not unrelated to why i should have committed and read past the rice fluffing line. 

not only have i only ever cooked rice in a microwave, but i also forgo reading the directions and end up burning my hand on the rice-steam. this is not unrelated to why i should have committed and read past the rice fluffing line.